Reflections after the trip
I am having the hardest time refocusing my energies on the mundane tasks of my life. The trip I have just experienced is life changing and will take a great deal of time to fully process. I find myself only able to talk about other topics for a few minutes before my thoughts go back to Andreas. I wonder what he is doing at this moment. I wonder so many things.
I spoke to my therapist last Saturday about this trip. There was so much anticipation building up to the trip that I feel a sense of both relief that it is over and a sense of sadness that it is over. Only some of my fears were realized.
My therapist was amazed to learn that the first full day I was there I spent with my father. She described it as a full desensitization. My main fear was that I would spend the whole time chasing after my father to connect with Andreas. This did not happen. I had as much access to Andreas as I wanted and it still was not enough.
My therapist who is currently working with a trans male at the beginning of his transition told me that she has been doing a lot of research and has found the politics fascinating. I do as well. For instance, is a trans male who is interested in women, a part of the lesbian community? Or at one point during the transition do they become less and less queer?
My sense is that Andreas does not feel himself a part of a political community. He is who he is and has always known that he should be male. I don't think he is political in the sense that he is out there campaigning for transgendered rights, which, I believe is his right.
There must be differences in how queers individuals form their identities in Germany as opposed to the United States. And Andreas is from a small, farming town which makes a difference as well, I would think. Are we more political here?
It was interesting to note that some of my father's sisters raved about Andreas's wife, Lisa, but never once asked me about my partner. I took this as a sign that for some people Andreas now inhabits a place that makes more sense to them, that he has resolved a medical condition and is living a more conventional life. His relationship can now be honored in a way that mine can't or in a way that they understand how to honor it.
When I told Jeff about this impression, he told me not to take so seriously what a group of 60 plus year old German women think. It's not that I feel offended so much as fascinated by the dynamics of all this.
When I tell anyone about my brother, Andreas, I end up also mentioning at a certain point that he was born my sister. I'm trying to figure out why I do this. Does the narrative invariably lead me there? Am I trying to be sensationalistic? Have I seen too many talk shows? Maybe, a little of each. I guess the truth of the matter is that I had grown up thinking that I had a sister and I think my brain is still trying to process the wonder of having a brother instead.
I couldn't have asked for a better, more kind, more sensitive brother. I wish he lived nearby. I wish I could tell him everything that I think.
I spoke to my therapist last Saturday about this trip. There was so much anticipation building up to the trip that I feel a sense of both relief that it is over and a sense of sadness that it is over. Only some of my fears were realized.
My therapist was amazed to learn that the first full day I was there I spent with my father. She described it as a full desensitization. My main fear was that I would spend the whole time chasing after my father to connect with Andreas. This did not happen. I had as much access to Andreas as I wanted and it still was not enough.
My therapist who is currently working with a trans male at the beginning of his transition told me that she has been doing a lot of research and has found the politics fascinating. I do as well. For instance, is a trans male who is interested in women, a part of the lesbian community? Or at one point during the transition do they become less and less queer?
My sense is that Andreas does not feel himself a part of a political community. He is who he is and has always known that he should be male. I don't think he is political in the sense that he is out there campaigning for transgendered rights, which, I believe is his right.
There must be differences in how queers individuals form their identities in Germany as opposed to the United States. And Andreas is from a small, farming town which makes a difference as well, I would think. Are we more political here?
It was interesting to note that some of my father's sisters raved about Andreas's wife, Lisa, but never once asked me about my partner. I took this as a sign that for some people Andreas now inhabits a place that makes more sense to them, that he has resolved a medical condition and is living a more conventional life. His relationship can now be honored in a way that mine can't or in a way that they understand how to honor it.
When I told Jeff about this impression, he told me not to take so seriously what a group of 60 plus year old German women think. It's not that I feel offended so much as fascinated by the dynamics of all this.
When I tell anyone about my brother, Andreas, I end up also mentioning at a certain point that he was born my sister. I'm trying to figure out why I do this. Does the narrative invariably lead me there? Am I trying to be sensationalistic? Have I seen too many talk shows? Maybe, a little of each. I guess the truth of the matter is that I had grown up thinking that I had a sister and I think my brain is still trying to process the wonder of having a brother instead.
I couldn't have asked for a better, more kind, more sensitive brother. I wish he lived nearby. I wish I could tell him everything that I think.
posted by Conrad at 9:31 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home